The Trip Report

It's that day again.

A Whorey Marmot

Since I've recently been accused of writing sedate "intercity garden walk" reports, I thought I'd go out for a real adventure. With only my street clothes and a big knife, I hit the road as a hitchhiker to Mt. Rainier, intending to do some snowshoeing. Of course, I didn't have any snowshoes, cold weather gear, or sunscreen but I knew I could fix this problem on the way and have an adventure at the same time for a more interesting writeup.

I managed to find a ride no problem as far as Graham but was waiting for a bit there, too long I think, and nobody was picking me up. I needed to use the bathroom and noticed an old house in the woods, so went up and knocked on the door hoping to get my first view of a meth lab. Much to my disappointment, the dog behind the bark was an ordinary black lab so I still haven't seen one of these rare creatures, and the people in the house were really rude when they opened the door and, after asking them if I could use their bathroom, which I knew they had because they had like 3 bathtubs in the main room looking like they were preparing for a nice milk bath, they said "beat it" and slammed the door in my face. So there I was, standing in the middle of the woods with no place to pee, so I figured I'd just pee my pants as I was wearing dark colors.

Someone with no teeth in an old pickup truck picked me up and gave me a ride to the entrance of Mt. Rainier park but I couldn't figure out why he was asking me if I played the banjo and he kept staring at my teeth so I figured he was just envious that he didn't have any. Now my adventure really had to begin because I knew I had to somehow craft some snowshoes out of materials I found in the Douglas fur forest, today it was easy to see why they name it Douglas fur because of all the green fur that was hanging off the trees. I wielded my knife expertly and managed to craft my snowshoes out of some saplings and got a huge surprise and bonus at the same time. Someone had hit a deer and it's car cast (you could see where the car had crushed it, therefore it's easy to see where a dead deer gets it's name) was there, ripe for the picking, so I proceeded to skin it to craft a nice warm coat. I don't see how people in olden times wore all those furs 'cause this thing was really smelly but I figured that if everyone was wearing stinky greasy coats, then they would get used to it just like people can't smell pig farms in Texas. I donned my coat, knowing I would be warm on the mountain, and caught a ride in the back of a pickup truck to Pair of Dice. I still haven't figured out where they got that name but it's probably because there was a gambling joint there before they made it a national park to go with the ski lift and other places of business.

I had just one more problem to solve before I got too high on the mountain but I had a plan; I still needed sun screen and a hat but when I got a little high I dug into the snow and found a marmot hole. I knew if I took some of my leftover sapling and fashioned a noose I could snag a sleeping Whorey Marmot, poor things got a bad name even though rabbits do it more I think but sure enough, I snagged a big one still sleeping and he fortunately didn't wake up until I had gutted him most of the way which is good because I don't like being cruel to animals, even if they are whores. Soon, with my knife, I had made myself a nice Whoreskin cap as I was thinking if Daniel Boone had only lived in the Northwest all the rage would have been Whoreskin caps in the 50s but he ended up skinning raccoons instead. As I slathered the leftover marmot grease on my skin to protect me from the sun I was quite proud of myself for living off the land and indeed was having a good adventure.

I had originally set a turnaround time of 2 PM, but when that time came I was working really hard and decided to do like the big climbers do and go a few more hours past since I hadn't reached my goal yet, so my time was in violet. I never figured out what this meant but it must have something to do with working hard and your veins are popping out with a purple color. So 2 hours after my in violet time I reached Anthill Rock, which doesn't really look like any anthill I have seen but they must have a reason for naming it that, and decided to go peek over the edge down to the glacier. I got really lucky and found a nice hole in the snow that let you look almost straight down to the glacier below, so I tried to make the hole bigger by stomping on it but this didn't work, so I just enjoyed the view that was given to me. It was such a beautiful day and there was so much snow I wondered why they named it Mt. Rainier but maybe they were talking about the summer when it doesn't snow. By now I couldn't smell my coat or cap but was feeling a little hungry and thirsty as I forgot to bring any food or water so I decided to scoot down the mountain and see if I could scrounge something from people who might be there. Sometimes on the way down I couldn't see in the mist and was quite worried I might get lost but somehow managed to find my way back, even being a good citizen by collecting some ugly green sticks with orange stuff on them to throw away, I can't believe people leave their trash like that on the mountain.

To make a long story longer some nice people in the parking lot gave me water, food, and a ride back to my hometown. I didn't have any money and offered to give them my coat and cap, as whore and deer skin is really expensive but they declined probably being nice and not taking advantage of something that was worth a lot more than a tank of gas. They must have realized how much I enjoy being outside because they put me in the back of their big Suburban and opened the windows back there so I could enjoy the fresh air like I had been all day. Anyway, it was a good adventure but not like the adventures in some of the books I've read so next time I may make it harder by not even taking clothes or a knife and climbing to the top of the rainiest place on earth.